her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone