People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
How high do the levels go?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My birthstone is kidney
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!