People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
just having fun
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I hope Alan is OK
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied