Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
All excellent questions
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.