In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”