Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…