wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
March 16
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”