I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Ironic
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen