There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
You Might Also Like
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel