Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife