Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
You Might Also Like
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)