Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined