Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack