Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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