My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*launders Kohls cash*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.