I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Comparing yourself to others
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Mouse
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.