Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
There’s always that one guy
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.