Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control