*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Made something I’m not proud of
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back