Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.