I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
🚲+physics = winner
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.