My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
i smell a pulitzer
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
LOL
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby