Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.