Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Who.
Did.
This?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.