[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Meanwhile in Canada…
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Thinking about Jeff
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.