The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now đ¤¨
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me hereâŚIâm pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldnât âturn the sun downâ
Nooooooooo!!!
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This is my favorite one of these!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers iâd keep shit like that pretty vague
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy đ
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. đ
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding âobviouslyâ to the end of every article.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ainât better than Jesus.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what Iâm going to buy. What does he think Iâm going to buy, a tiger?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
God: youâre a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: youâre the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow youâre in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: donât worry be Capy : )
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: itâs beginning to look a lot like Christmas