Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet