Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
😏😏😏
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Grandmother clock.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery