cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?