Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Cats are still liquid.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.