The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered