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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping