FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar