Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
cry laughing at this shit
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Optional boss fight.