—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with