I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing