*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?