“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
i prefer mine room temperature.