I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Raisins are grape jerky.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
what’s more important?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself