@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

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@asanders1972

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

@droidbears

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

@Reverend_Scott

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

@AlexKaan47

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

@AbbyHasIssues

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

@jordan_stratton

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.