@Social_Mime
@asanders1972 A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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@asanders1972 
@IdiotRyanKahl stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
@droidbears interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
@BoozieEyedJoe Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
@Reverend_Scott God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
@AlexKaan47 As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
@AbbyHasIssues Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
@ArfMeasures [Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
@jordan_stratton COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@CAshmanActor dictator is short for richard potato