Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.