I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.