@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

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@OakHill_

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

@oxygenplug

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

@deloisivete

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

@TheForbesFam

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

@bewgtweets

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

@molly7anne

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

@JohnLyonTweets

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

@KeetPotato

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

@o__0Dev

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

@bigthumby

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.