dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right