*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Perfect
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.