My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
bad news gang
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.