🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I just love that new Pope smell.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?