Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
それは草
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.