Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I already tried new things thanks.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Netflix and awkward silence?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”