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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?