It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.