Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?