I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.