In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Worst bar ever.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.