20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO